Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Star Wars - Episode III 1/2: Master of Darkness


Just for fun...

Episode III has ended. Anakin is now Darth Vader. He journeys with Dark Lord Sidious on an Imperial Cruiser to the construction site of the Death Star.

The Death Star is being constructed by blasting the rock off a small moon to reveal its metallic core. The metallic core is being recarved into the superstation that the galaxy will come to fear.

Vader is still haunted by the death of Padme. He confronts Sidious on his promise to save Padme’s life. Sidious tells Vader that in order to save her, he must first give up all thoughts of her.

Vader, sounding like Anakin again, says “it’s not fair” to Sidious. Sidious asks how the Jedi responded to his insolence, and Vader says “they scolded me, but couldn’t do anything about it.” Sidious blasts Vader with lightning bolts and says that the Sith have even harsher penalties for disobedience.

Sidious tells Vader that he still has much to learn, and that he must journey to the training temple of the Sith on the dark planet Abysson, and learn from the masters there.

Vader makes the journey in his well-known tie-fighter, accompanied by two copilots. On the way, Vader is attacked by Rebel assassins in X-Wing Fighters.

Vader destroys the X-Wings and completes his journey. Abysson is a cold, frozen world far from any sun. The planet exists exists in near darkness, illuminated only by frequent explosions of blue lightning, lightning from which the Sith take their inspiration.

Vader is met by Praxum, a red, devil-like version of Yoda. Praxum immediately kills the two copilots that accompanied Vader.

Vader asks why Praxum killed the pilots. Praxum tells Vader that Abysson must remain secret to all but the most highly selected. Praxum explains, “the Jedi trust one another, but the Sith trust no one.”

“What about the Emperor, do you not trust him?”

Praxum laughs. “Trust him, no. Obey him, yes.”

Praxum also explains, “Sith measure all things by their use potential. Planets, people, even ideas. We assign no intrinsic value to things like the Jedi would have you do. Down that path lies madness. You will find that when you value things only by their practical purpose – not their beauty, not their feelings, not some abstract notion of right and wrong – that the universe does have a natural order. An order that the Jedi betray. That, my pupil, is why this frozen rock is worth more than the lives of those two clones.”

“What then is the ultimate goal of the Sith?"

“The ultimate goal of the Sith is the same as all life forms. To live forever.”

Praxum introduces Vader to the Order of the Infernum, a group of evil creatures from all corners of the galaxy. Together, this college of demons will instruct Vader on the ways of the Dark Side.

Before Vader goes to learn, Praxum reminds him of his lesson. “I will warn you now, Vader. The Order is filled with jealousy and infighting. They will sabotage your learning at the same time as they teach you. So remember the lesson I taught you this morning: trust no one, but learn from them what you may.”

"Evil Yoda" image adapted from image found on Rabittooth.com.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Writing at Over 100 Degrees


One of the unexpected advantages I’ve discovered working out of my apartment is that I seem to get sick much less than when I in an office.

While I’d like to think that my improved health has to do with the relative cleanliness of my home versus the squalid, rat-infested, diseased working conditions of corporate America , I know this is not true. My corporate office used to have daily maid service, and now I’m lucky if I get a dust buster under my desk once a month.

Instead, I think the main reason I have been healthier is simply because I don’t see that many people anymore… and therefore have less opportunities to catch YOUR cold.

Take these last holidays for example. When you were blowing your nose and coughing out your lungs at the obligatory company holiday party, I was avoiding you while kicking back at home drinking grape soda and watching the Texas Chainsaw Massacre II.

I didn’t go to any miserable Christmas parties. Nor was I forced to drag myself into work with a 102 degree fever and prop myself up in a cubicle to avoid using precious vacation days from my paltry “paid time off bank.”

Yes, I know what it’s like to do such things. I’ve been there, and if you’re still there, I truly pity you and encourage you to rebel, violently if necessary.

In the past, I spent countless winter holidays sick in bed from colds I caught from coworkers. But this year I spent Christmas and New Years smiling without so much as a sniffle.

And then… somehow… the unthinkable occurred.

I caught your damn cold.

The cold you got from your kids. The cold you picked up at the mall. The cold I thought I had escaped by virtue of my isolated, antisocial, hermetic lifestyle.

Somehow your damn virus penetrated my germ-free fortress apartment and lodged itself deep in my lungs and colored my last two weeks in shades of phlegm.

Then your sickness entered my brain. And that’s when things got really weird.

It forced me to do things that I don’t normally do.

Like pray.

Whatever you do, don’t tell my atheist father. But I asked God to get me out this misery.

And then I wrote.

Not screenplays.

Not short stories.

Not blogs.

I wrote cook book reviews.

Late one night, during the peak of my fever, I inexplicably pulled various cook books off my book shelves and manically wrote reviews of them.


Damn if I can tell you for sure since the night is a hazy with Nyquil. But I seem to remember I was clicking around Amazon and reading some of those “reader submitted reviews” and wondering if they were penned by real people or just shills of the publishers or the sneaky authors themselves.

So I decided to write one and stress test the system.

And then another.

And then another.

In the peak of my fever, I realized the culinary arts are my true calling. They are quicker to write than screenplays and people are actually interested in reading them. Amazon thanks you every time you write one. No one thanks you for writing a screenplay.

That night I penned five cook book reviews. If you want, you can read my stunning review of The Alcatraz Womens Club Cook Book.

So now I say forget this screenwriting bullshit. I have thirty more cook books waiting for review on my shelf. And I’m sure I can get more. Lots more. Thirty reviews a month sounds reasonable. Do you realize that some Amazon reviewers have literally thousands of reviews to their credit?

A new career has taken shape for myself. And all because of the cold that escaped your cubicle. It won’t be long before publishers are sending me cook books in the mail and begging me to please try their delicious recipes and write glowing recommendations for all to enjoy.

The only problem is I’m not really all that hungry. I’m still a bit sick, you see. I’m feverish and medicated. I don’t feel like eating. In fact, I want to puke.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Long Live Shiva Destructive Mode


At the Screenwriting Expo I attended a seminar by Cynthia Whitcomb, an accomplished screenwriter with a long list of credits who had some unique things to say about writing.

I’ve read a lot of screenwriting books and listened to a lot of gurus and I can’t say too many of them are unique. They all seem to say the same thing in different way and most involve counting pages to make sure event x happens at point y and then audiences wonder why movies are so formulaic.

Cynthia said some things at the Expo that I haven’t heard before. In particular, I was struck by her notion of the Cycles of Creativity, especially since it’s helping me justify not writing much of anything for the last four weeks.

The Cycles are:

Brahma: the idea mode; reflected in your initial excitement at discovering a new idea, when energy and motivation seem limitless, symbolized by the Hindu god Brahma.

Vishnu: the work mode; where the glow from the lightning strike of Brahma dissipates and you are forced to do the actual work; symbolized by the Hindu god Vishnu.

Shiva: the destructive mode; where after the work is done, you [should] stop working and put your brain on neutral for a period of time to recover and recharge and clear the slate for the next lightning strike; symbolized by the Hindu god Shiva.

Cynthia believes that creativity exists in this three part cycle but most writers struggle against this natural process. Some writers exist only in Brahma, addicted to ideas but never completing the work, while the majority repeat the first two phases endlessly without taking a break. Shiva, she explains, is an important component of the writing process despite what your parents, Protestant work ethic, and former writing teachers have told you.

According to Whitcomb's system, I’ve been in Shiva for about two weeks now.

Building shelves. Feeding ducks. Moving furniture. Transferring videos to DVD. Avoiding both lightning strikes and work.

And feeling guilty, yes. I keep telling myself I should be writing (does this blog count?), but damn if some Shiva doesn’t feel good.

And necessary.

Immediately before going into Shiva mode I was actively building multiple websites, writing multiple screenplay treatments, and discussing new writing and film projects with prospective collaborators on a daily basis... and starting to feel pretty tanked.

Then suddenly everyone around me disappeared for the holidays, leaving me at home with my hands still filled with projects and wondering if others knew something I didn’t. Finally I shut down my brain and drove out to the desert and stared at bubbling mud volcanoes and sand dunes for several days.

My batteries have now charged. Partially. I got a late start this holiday season. Plus holidays aren’t particularly relaxing. Especially Christmas. Buying stuff. Catching colds. Haggling with Post Office clerks. I’d really like to continue this Shiva mode thing for another week or two or three or…

You can read Cynthia’s article on her website.